I’m feeling all the feelings this morning as the kids go back to school. We were all ready for today. Summer freedom was turning to boredom, turning to let’s all bicker with each other instead. This family needed some space. Great summer memories and time together but looking forward to a change.
Now the house is quiet and I have the whole day to myself. Do I get some work done? Do I go get coffee and a much-needed pedicure? That laundry isn’t going to put itself away. I could bake something. The options are endless. But by 2:00 I’m going to miss them. By 7:00 I will likely be ready to send them back. It’s about balance, right?
But I find myself typing away because I just can’t stop thinking about how quickly time is moving. Anyone else pull out the old pictures and videos with a glass of wine last night, wishing they were ovulating because dang we make cute babies and I just want a little one again? No, just me? Maybe it was just the wine and hormones talking. So instead I looked in on them sleeping, these huge little people taking up all the space in their beds and just sighed and cursed out Time.
Since my kids were itty bitty I’ve had this practically obsessive habit of kissing them good night a dozen times after they are asleep and before I go to bed. Sometimes I swear that I can actually see them growing older if I stare long enough. I love the people my kids are becoming, but weren’t we just learning baby signs and starting solid foods?
For generations, those who’ve mothered before us warn about Time and its sneaky habit of moving too fast. It’s usually when we are in the thick of spit up and leaky diapers from babies who won’t nap and we never believe them. But then you get your first good night of rest and you wake up and realize your baby is almost nine!
I have to wonder if this feeling of loss is partly because it means I’m aging too? When I looked through pictures of my children as wee ones I noticed that at age 30 the wrinkles in my forehead were vague and I didn’t have this gnarly crease between my brows. When did that take over my youthful glow? Perhaps it’s the leftovers from 2009 when our pay was cut, we had a newborn, a 3-year-old, a new big house payment, were down to one car and spent winter in a 58 degree house? Yep, that might have done it. But those little lines around my mouth and creases around my eyes when I smile, those are from the countless joys that Time has brought me too.
Time doesn’t have to be my enemy. I do miss my littles, so much. When they believed everything I told them, when I didn’t have to beg for snuggles, when they fit in my lap for said snuggles. And yet, they ARE still kids. I can reflect on our past but I’m also grateful for the time I do have left to help care for them, teach them, and treasure every moment we have together. Even the one from this morning when my son got his finger slammed in the slider by his sister, crying before pictures, me screaming for everyone to hurry up. Ah, family bliss!
The best advice I will continue to follow from my dear friend, is “just live.” Leave the drama, the crazy coworkers, the chase for the latest and greatest, and JUST LIVE. I will give these kids 10 million kisses, even as they are sleeping. Sorry kiddos, but when you are 16 or even 25 I will still be sitting at your bed side as you sleep, sniffing your head, kissing your nose, holding your hand, and telling you I love you.
From maybe the wisest 80’s character I can think of, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Thank you Ferris Bueller. You are so incredibly right.
The laundry can wait. Time for that pedicure. Ha! Couldn’t do that mid-day when they were babies!!