Not Today Satan

August was not an awesome month. I was sad, short-tempered and worried most days. The worst part is that I didn’t even realize it until now. My sister reached out because she noticed my social media had been quiet. I assured her I was fine. But then I realized I haven’t read a book all month (that’s huge for me). I totally fell off the no-drinking-during-the-week wagon. I haven’t written AT ALL this month. Every person I have been talking to is getting the poor-me sob-story. I am not fun to be around right now. Then it hit me. I’m sick.

I’m sick of all of this. The honeymoon period of this COVID-cation is over. I enjoyed my garden, time to be creative and the quality time with my family. But frankly, now I’m annoyed. It all snowballed and August got the best of me. I’m going to get this off my chest and then tell you how I’m moving on because I refuse for negativity to be my narrative. If you just want to read the sunshine, skip ahead.

  • Lets start with the most pressing issue today — I have acne from wearing a mask. Or maybe all of that worry. But these zits are giant and painful. First world problems, I know. But these days when every liberty seems at stake, problems of all sizes feel overwhelming.
  • I’m irritated when I want to go out to dinner and be served, instead of constantly serving my family, my only choice is to eat outdoors when it’s 95 degrees and the air is filled with smoke.
  • I’m mad that when I want to go for a run or take my kids paddle boarding — anything to move beyond these four walls —there is said-smoke keeping me from doing so.
  • I think my governor is a tool and I don’t understand why more isn’t being done to re-open our state. How can we re-open when the target keeps moving?
  • I’m frustrated for all of the business owners who are losing their life-long hard work thanks to COVID closures, the COVID economy or rioting. My own job was lost to this. It is truly heartbreaking.
  • I’m tired of the extremism. The burning of buildings and looting of stores makes me think you’re an idiot, not a hero. Your passive aggressive social media posts do not impress me. Sharing someone else’s idea does not make you noble. Your memes and degrading bloviating about our president make me think you’re bitter, not informed. I just wish for once you’d try to convince me why your candidate is good instead of telling me why mine is bad.
  • I’m angry because distance learning is not effective and I feel like I can’t return to the workforce because I need to be home running tech support for my kids. The lack of instruction is incredible and the amount of free time they have is troubling.
  • I’m pissed for every kid who doesn’t have a parent who cares about their education or who doesn’t have the means to have wifi to be able to participate in distance learning. This closure of schools is widening the social disparity gap even more for underprivileged kiddos. They need to be back at school.
  • I am so sad for all the deaths. Deaths that get ignored because they don’t fit the media’s agenda. Deaths that glorify criminals. It’s all so sad and so avoidable.
  • I feel paralyzed because my heart is heavy.

I could go on but it’s all the same stuff you’re probably feeling on some level too. I am usually the “on the brightside, glass half full” kind of girl and I feel like I did so good at the beginning of COVID. I worked out a lot, I had a positive attitude, I was excited about an empty May calendar for the first time in years; but I need more now. I lost my job — I need a new one. I lost my gym — I want it to reopen back to normal operating standards. My kids are getting to practice soccer — I really hope that I will get to watch them play a game. My kids are missing out on valuable classroom time of interaction and learning — I want them back at school. I am scared that my civil liberties are slipping away. I feel like everything is out of my control. I have been in despair — but God heard me.

Or rather, I finally heard him. Just last week I listened to a webinar from an acting coach and she answered a question with a bible verse. An acting coach. A bible verse. That was unexpected. But later when I went to bed I replayed it in my head and thought, was that for me Lord?

This weekend at church they kicked off a “Do Good” challenge for September. Want to know what bible verse they used? Same one.

How many signs did I let pass me before I finally heard him?

Well I hear you now, Lord. I actually read the entire chapter 6 from Galatians and was overwhelmed with how timely the message was. God, I know that you see me. I know that you are working even when I don’t see it. I trust you. And I’m sorry that I have forgotten to give you my troubles. I rest in knowing that you “leave the 99” to chase after me, despite my daily shortcomings. Being your child is enough. I cannot handle all of this. But I know that you can.

So today I pray to renew my spirit. I will do good for others and do good for myself. I will think through all of my frustrations and act on making things right in helpful and constructive ways. I will pay better attention to how I am feeling and treating others. I will be sure my family holds me accountable and checks in on me. I will do better. I will be better. Because every time I make a better choice, it shrinks our divide and it opens me to love more. Our country needs so much work right now, but this is how I can contribute, no matter how little the step.

My anger and frustration remain, but my despair does not. I’ve got a big God on my side.

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